Full of Grace
by CountTheCrows
Summary: After losing faith in God Joan decides to leave Arcadia for good.
1. Default Chapter

Full of Grace

Summary: After losing her faith in God Joan decides she has no other choice but to leave Arcadia. Based on Sarah McLachlans "Full of Grace."

Spoilers: All of season one.

Disclaimer: I own nothing as this wonderful show belongs to Barbara Hall and CBS.

Author's notes: First off, my apologies for not finishing my other story, I will, eventually. Right now I have a few other story ideas in my head but I will get around to finishing it. Also this is probably just going to be a one shot thing, but as always, I am open to ideas so please read and review and maybe I'll continue with this.

Joan looked around at all of the people in the bus station. Most of them looked like they were in a hurry to leave as was she. She didn't know their reasons for leaving, maybe the woman in the blue sweater had just gone through a bad breakup, or maybe the man in the suit and tie was going somewhere on business. The thing was though that she didn't care about what their reasons were or how terrible their lives might have been. She wanted to switch places with them, with any of them. After all, could you really blame her?

Pretend you're a sixteen year old middle child of three who had no idea who she was or what she was put on this planet for. But at first that doesn't really bother you. No, you don't care that your older brother used to be this big sports star before he was in a car accident that left him in a wheelchair, or that your father is the chief-of-police, or that your brother is this big science geek who will probably end up being the next Bill Gates or something. None of that really bothers you. You don't even mind that your mother works in your school, well, okay maybe you _do_ care a little about the last one. But for the most part, you're pretty content with the life you've been dealt. Yeah moving was a pain but you seem to have fit in okay, your friends with two moderately popular girls who can be very judgmental and maybe dense but that's okay. After all, your life could be worse right? And then something happens, something that you're so not prepared for. You meet a very cute guy on a bus who follows you out and then proceeds to tell you that he's God. Yeah, I know, you'd think this guy was crazy and then you'd run as far as you could hoping that you'd never see him again. Only there's this feeling, this gut feeling, that maybe this _is _God. And you go through all the logical questions, most importantly, "What would God want with a sixteen year old girl?" Then you remember about legendary St. Joan of Arc and begin to think, maybe it's possible. Possible yet very annoying. So you give this dude the benefit of the doubt and go and get a job at a bookstore, it's not like you couldn't use the money, and then you think he'd just leave you alone. Think again. For the next nine months God is in your life asking you to perform these tasks, which many of course you're reluctant to do but you begin to get used to having God in your life. He's dependable, and his relationship with you makes you feel, for the first time in your life, special. And it's not like good things haven't come of it, after all you met your two best friends, one of which is your current boyfriend who you're in-love with. Life is great. Only it's not. You find out you were sick the entire time and this whole thing with God could have very well been one huge hallucination. So now what do you do? Now you're back to being average, but the thing is you can't go back to being who you were before because you don't even know who you were before. And you can't be who you are now because who you are now is crazy. And everything you thought you knew and understood, you come to realize you don't. Your boyfriend whom you assumed would understand doesn't and that hurts like hell. All of these special connections are gone. The only solution is to leave, to leave and become someone else. And that's what Joan was doing. She was going somewhere where she wouldn't be known as Joan, or as Jane. She'd change her name, maybe to something like Heather or Margo. She'd become someone new.

"Attention all passengers," a voice interrupted Joan's deep thoughts, "Bus number 314 going from Arcadia to New York City, will be departing from track 9 in five minutes. I repeat; it will be leaving in five minutes." Joan looked down at her ticket.

_July 23, 2004_

_Maryland Bus Inc._

_Number 314_

_Departing from: Arcadia, MD at 7:20 PM_

_Arriving at: New York City at 1:15 AM_

That was her. It was time to go. She boarded the bus and sat down at her seat. As she was looking out the window she heard a song come on the radio. As she listened she took in the words.

_The winter here's cold and bitter_

_It's chilled us to the bone._

_We haven't seen the sun for weeks,_

_Too long, too far, from home._

_I feel just like I'm sinking,_

_And I claw for solid ground._

_I'm pulled down by the undertow,_

_I never thought I could feel so low._

_And oh darkness I feel like letting go._

Joan felt like it was a summary of her life the past two months, ever since she found out that she was hallucinating. There was no sun in her life, only clouds and over cast. There was no warmth, only the bitter cold. She didn't feel at ease in her own house. And just like the woman said in the song about feeling like she was sinking, that's how Joan felt. She just wanted to give up and let go, let go of her old life.

_If all of the strength,_

_All of the courage,_

_Come and lift me from this place._

_I know could love you much better than this._

_Full of Grace, full of Grace._

_My love._

_Grace._ Joan thought. _Adam. Mom, dad, Luke and Kevin_. How would they handle this? She had each left them a little note explaining why she had to go. She winced in pain thinking of how much it would hurt them, especially Adam who had been left too many notes in his life. But she didn't have a choice. She hoped they would understand that and know that it wasn't about them. It was about her. She continued to listen to the song.

_It's better this way._

_I said, haven't seen this place before._

_Everything we say and do,_

_Hurts us all the more._

_It's just that we stay,_

_Too long, in the same old sickly scheme._

_I'm pulled down by the undertow,_

_I never thought I could feel so low._

_And oh darkness I feel like letting go._

_If all of the strength, all of the courage_

_Come and lift me from this place._

_I know I can love you much better than this._

_Full of Grace._

As the bus began to pull away from the streets of Arcadia a single tear fell from Joan's face. The music kept on for a few more beats and then:

_I know I can love you much better than this._

_It's better this way._

And she repeated to herself, "its better this way."

__


	2. A letter for A

Chapter 2: A letter for "A"

Author's notes: Alright, I am continuing with this story, it might take a while. But at least I will keep busy during my summer!

It was around ten PM when Adam Rove came home from his shift at the hotel. He was extremely tired and wanted to go to bed but he still had some stuff to do. First he went in to check on his father, Carl Rove, who had recently been out of work due to a bad back.

"Dad?" Adam called out, "You here?"

"Yeah, in here," Adam went into his father's bedroom and saw him watching an old rerun of _MASH._

"Hey." Adam nodded.

"Hey. Was work okay?"

"Yeah." Adam shrugged. "It was okay." _As okay can get when you're working in a hotel for minimum wage,_ Adam thought to himself.

"That's good. Ouch; oh boy," Carl Rove said as he winced in pain. Adam went to go get his father some pills and then fixed his pillows for him.

"There you go; that should be better."

"Thanks," his father said. "So are you going to bed now?"

"No, I think I'm going to go work in the shed for a little while."

"Oh okay, just make sure you don't stay up too late."

"I won't. Goodnight dad," Adam said as he left his father's room. Adam sighed as he thought about his father. _Sometimes being me sucks_, Adam thought to himself. Adam did not have the easiest life, sometimes he felt like he was sixteen going on thirty. After all, his mother committed suicide when he was only thirteen years old, leaving him and his father to fend for themselves. Adam knew his father tried hard but it just wasn't the same without his mother. For three years Adam kept to himself, expressing his emotion only through his artwork which not many people understood. But he was used to that, he was used to not being understood, in fact, he kind of enjoyed it. If he wasn't understood people wouldn't take a chance with him and they would just leave him alone. The only friend he had was Grace Polk, whom he had known since he was in pre-school. Adam figured that if people didn't take a chance at getting to know him, then he wouldn't become attached to anyone and have to deal with them leaving him, which would ultimately happen anyway. But then something happened, a girl named Joan Girardi walked into his AP chemistry class and would begin to change his life. At first she was oblivious to him, just thought of him as this weird kid who made art out of metal, but then something changed. Adam opened up to Joan and she got to see him for the sweet person he was. Although they'd had their share of arguments, like the time when Joan smashed his art for some unknown reason. Adam didn't talk to her for weeks. To Adam, aside from his mother dying, not speaking to Joan was one of the worst things he could ever imagine. Then there was the whole not being ready to couple thing, even though Adam was. Then Adam got a girlfriend named Iris and Joan revealed her true feelings for him, and that was the best night of his life, when him and Joan, or as Adam liked to call her, Jane, got together. It was good, for a while, until Joan got diagnosed with Lyme disease and confessed seeing God to Adam. Adam wanted to believe Joan, he really and truly did, but he couldn't. Lately Joan had been having an extremely hard time, she was depressed, wouldn't really socialize with Adam or Grace and seeing Jane that way made Adam's heart break. He knew he was losing her, which was something he never ever wanted to happen. He remembered seeing his mother like that, before she committed suicide. He couldn't bear the thought of something happening to Jane and that's why he was going to his shed to make something for her, anything, just to show her that he cared. As Adam was walking to his shed he noticed an envelope with his name written on it. He knew it was Joan's handwriting. He went into the shed and looked around.

"Jane?" Adam had this feeling in the pit of his stomach that something bad was going to happen. He had that feeling once before, the day he came home from school and saw an ambulance taking his mother to the hospital. His dad didn't tell him anything, just to get in the car. It wasn't even an hour later that the doctor came out and changed the fate of their lives forever.

_Flashback_

_ Thirteen year old Adam Rove and his father sat anxiously in the waiting room as Elizabeth Rove was getting her stomach pumped. Adam sat with his face cupped in his hands. He didn't understand how something like this could happen. That morning everything was fine, his mom packed him lunch and told him she loved him, just like any other normal day. His best friend, Grace Polk came to his house to walk to school with him. So, if everything was fine this morning, how could it be, that a mere eight hours later, he was at a hospital with his father? Just then, as Adam was engrossed in his thoughts, Dr. Adler came out of the E.R. and from the look on his face Adam could tell that he wasn't going to see his mother again. He didn't need to hear the words._

_ "Mr. Rove, I'm sorry to inform you..." he paused. Dr. Adler had been a doctor for almost twenty-three years, but it didn't make this part any easier. Letting two people know that their wife and mother was dead. "I'm sorry to inform you that-'' But Carl interrupted him._

_ "We know." And that was that._

__

Adam turned his head. Thinking about that day made him want to puke. And then to think, she left him a note, just like Jane had. He looked down again at the envelope afraid to open it. Maybe it was nothing, _maybe Jane wants to speak to me but I was at work, and she didn't want to lose what she had to say, _Adam thought. _Maybe she wants to see me tomorrow._ Adam opened the envelope and began to read Joan's words.

_Dear Adam,_

_ I don't really know how to say this but I guess I have to. Know that this has **nothing** to do with you. Know that you have made me so very happy this past year, but I can't keep relying on you and everyone else to make me happy. I'm not happy, and I think __Arcadia__ has something to do with that. Please don't be mad. I wish I could stay, I wish I could make things better but I can't. By the time you're reading this I will be on my way to some place new, where I can make a fresh start. I just need to sort things out. I'm so sorry Adam. I love you so much, don't ever forget that._

_Love always,_

_Jane_

Adam sank down into his chair. Jane had run away? How? Why? Where would she go? Then his concern turned to anger. _How could she do this to me and to her family? She knows how I feel about her._ Right before Joan got sick Adam had told her that he was afraid she wouldn't stay with him if he didn't amount to much. She told him that he would. She assured him he wouldn't lose her. She lied. She had left him, just like his mother. Everyone left. In a fit of rage Adam got up and went to his desk and started hitting it, knocking something down. He looked at the object; it was what he was working on for Jane. It was an Angel, because that's what she was to him, his angel. He picked it up from the floor and then noticed that one of its wings was chipped. _Jane_ Adam thought. He slumped down to the floor holding the angel, and cried himself to sleep.


End file.
